within paper walls of chaos
my most gracious companion
within paper walls of chaos
my most gracious companion
I’ve always loved splashing, dancing, playing in the summer rain ever since I was a kid. Not when it storms mind you. When my son was young we would run outside with joy and play like maniacs. I am sure my neighbors think I am nuts, pshaw. I’ve always had this vision that everyone would come to their door, their faces would light up, and they would all run outside like children and play with me. Everyone spinning around with their faces towards the heavens. It hasn’t happened yet but someday it might. I always have hope<3 It’s raining, come play.
What is representing the illusion in our lives? I have been struggling for most of my life with this movie in my head, the neural circuitry of repetition embedded in my brain from all that I have watched and learned in the outside world. I have met with much resistance while learning to not get caught up in this movie, these neural processes, these thoughts racing round my brain. I am learning to not react, not engage, and to see it for what it is, a mental movie. Resistance can be a good teacher I am told. I am learning to observe, be the witness, change the direction of my energy, to be conscious. I am rewiring my neural pathways. Be conscious of your consciousness, be aware of your awareness, observe the observer.
This entry is more to mark a passage of time, like a journal online. Life is moving forward fast, I am immersing myself in meditation and becoming. I am concentrating on me right now, spending alot of time inside my own head, worshipping myself, it’s about time. I have no idea why it has taken me 25 years to get to this point but at least I am finally on my way and for that I am grateful. Several years ago I thought I had it all figured out, but now, I know we never get to the point we have it all figured out and that is a good thing. To learn, grow and overcome our fears is what keeps us alive and I feel more alive now than I did at 20. I also thought I had overcome most of my fears, my scars, but that is the farthest thing from the truth that I have ever buried away from from myself. I have to admit with all the false bravado, a very convincing show I might add, it is no wonder I fooled most everyone even myself. I thought I had experienced so much in my life that nothing would ever make me afraid again in this lifetime but I was wrong, very wrong. For the first time in my life I am confronting my fears, in fact I am chasing them down with the hounds of hell on my heels, I am feeling my fear, not pushing it down down down. I have so much more to learn, to do, to say, to give. Until later, Lily.
Goodbye,” said the fox. Here is my secret. It’s quite simple: One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.”
“Anything essential is invisible to the eyes,” the little prince repeated, in order to remember.
“It’s the time you spend on your rose that makes your rose so important.”
“It’s the time I spent on my rose…,” the little prince repeated, in order to remember.
“People have forgotten this truth,” the fox said. “But you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose…”
“I’m responsible for my rose…,” the little prince repeated, in order to remember.
-Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
The long and winding road is truly the way my journey has unfolded as I am sure happens with most of us. Please remember that this is my truth, my journey and I wouldn’t expect it to sing to anyone else. It has taken me, what seems like forever, to realize I relate to everything at a primordial level. I feel everything all at once emanating from a tree, an animal, a human and it took many years for me to understand that most others do not and this has caused much confusion throughout my life in my relationships with others. I am sure that is why I feel most at peace and alive while in nature, with my animal family, or in my gardens since the hum of energy emanating from them is constant, complete and wide open. Before I gained a full understanding of the way I relate and interact with the world there have been times of deep despair, terror, anger, hate (of myself and others), much confusion and self destructiveness, attempting to participate in a world where all the wires seemed crossed to me. A world where as a child I would blurt out what was plainly in front of everyone’s eyes and they would turn and stare at me with horror, aghast, “what did she just say!” like they couldn’t believe their ears. What did I do wrong I would wonder, I told the truth, isn’t that what we are supposed to do? Isn’t that what I have been taught is to be honest, not to lie? Ah but there is a secret they don’t tell you growing up, people lie to themselves and eventually that lie becomes their truth.
There was a time when I wished I could move through life in this oblivion that I see and feel from so many. I think to myself how it must be less painful, possbily more peaceful to just go along oblivious, turn a blind eye. But then in retrospect I know for me it would never be possible to be this way and thank the Gods I am not! It would not create anything for me but confusion and an overwhelming disatisfaction in my relationship with myself. I am an Empath, which I had no way to define what I am for a long time. My heart is a wide open book and it is hard to understand that most people’s are not. When I meet someone I feel like I have met an old friend that I haven’t seen in ages and something inside me lights up. I have learned for the most part to contain this enthusiasm over the years because it makes the majority of people uncomfortable even if they do not realize it immediately, it takes a minute or two than the shield comes up. I can tell by their body language and energy the moment they hesitate, something inside them saying watch out, what is going on here, who is this person? Why are they so interested in me? They may not think these thoughts directly but something inside them makes them wary. Why?? Hell I don’t know, if I did I wouldn’t be a seeker I guess, but I have many suspicions of why people behave this way.
The Left Hand Path and myself have a kinship, an understanding. It has become a very important part of my existence in the past few years. I am an Anarchist of mind, body and spirit. and the Left Hand Path to me embodies this. If I deny Lilith, Satan, Jesus, the Siddha Masters or anything else that touches me and moves through me than I deny myself. Duality cannot be ignored or denied by my being, just as it is a fact that there can be no darkness without light and vice versa.
So my journey takes a new turn, my book turns a page and I am becoming a happier person. I have left the fast paced world of Healthcare/IT, and though many I know find me mad, off kilter, those closest to me embrace and support me, though they are few they are strong. I look back with gratitude for invaluable lessons learned and forward awestruck with unabandoned excitement and of course some moments of sheer terror. Letting go is always inexplicably a tough thing to do. I am taking my meditation seriously, I have found a great teacher and in a few years will become one myself. I am working towards my degree as an RN in order to work with hospice patients and their families. I have a myriad of ideas that will play out as all of this unfolds. I emphatically believe Death should be as honored and as revered as Birth. Humans need to work towards this “letting go” without fear and I plan on playing a part in this evolution.
to be continued…..
“When a woman has owned her passionate nature, allowing love to flood her heart, her thoughts grow wild and fierce and beautiful. Her juices flow. Her heart expands. She has thrown off crutch and compromise. She has glimpsed the enchanted kingdom, the vast and magical realms of the Goddess within her. Here, all things are transformed. And there is a purpose to this: that the world might be mothered back to a great and glorious state. When a woman conceives her true self, a miracle occurs and life around her begins again.”
Marianne Williamson, A Woman’s Worth
Hi, my name is Lily. I first started this blog as a outlet for myself and what little poetry peters out of my brain along with whatever the orgy of my mind was focused on at the moment. My life has taken a different direction now, in this moment and many more moments to come, and I have decided that this blog will be a smattering of the journey I am now undertaking. I will continue to blog what speaks to me in the moment because that’s me, Lily. I have always written here and there for myself only…. so this is terrifying and exciting for me, this new life, new journey. I hope as time goes by to become a good writer, crisper (I love word analogies), and be able to convey myself in a way that people enjoy reading what pops out of my head. Wish me luck, smiles, the journey is unfolding as I write this on the page.