Most deny me of who I am, at least those I’ve encountered in my world. I am recreating and developing an understanding of who I am, of what I am capable, my strengths, my weaknesses. Mostly I feel see I’ve been invalidated, dismissed, ignored or even accused of being unstable unless I mimic as they think I should, do as they do by way of actions and behaviors that are deemed normal, acceptable in the general consensus point of view. I decided a long time ago to call it shenanigans, bullshit, but what to do, how to react or not react? Is it better to keep your true thoughts a secret or rise above and forge forward? Not single soul in your world to turn to in order to work it out and reason in your head in order to trust yourself, gain the identity that is uniquely you? As I grow up emotionally (I’m a late bloomer), I see, my feelings see, the sizing up that goes on all around them, placing each being in a box and labeling it. I too have the realization of course, that I do it. It’s the dismissal equation of anyone or thing is where the difference lies. I’m not comfortable in most instances to dismiss the differences between they and I, and I don’t understand that judgmental dismissal. I see it as one of my innate gifts, to question and seek deeply what lies beyond the surface, place myself in others shoes. Nothing causes my hackles to rise more than the statement, “well…that’s just the way it is”, I’ve had moments of deep irrational rage due to being exposed to this type thinking. It happens in work, in life with society, family, friends, acquaintances. Throughout this life there have been times I shudder and grieve this type of energy when pressed upon me. I have many times experienced the dismissal, being ignored then forgotten when I question. I wish sometimes that I could be one of those many that forget, I cannot and it makes me happy now. They hold my attention, my affection, even dare I say my love, perhaps, we’ll see. I feel something familiar there somewhere, a beautiful place, a deep place of peace and answer to a call of what I do not know. I don’t think it matters.
I’ve never thought much about all the flavors of Witchcraft. Although as I think about it now, I’ve never been much of a “Witch” I suppose in terms of those who are dedicated to a craft of any kind. I always feel as if I float along on a current of my own alongside an inner knowing that seems to be there with me at all times for as long as I can remember remembering in this lifetime. Quite awhile ago I decided if it sings to me I hum with the music, if it doesn’t then it’s discarded but not totally forgotten and I try to honor the lesson. I’ve learned many things about myself and as I learn to accept who I am, I know for me putting things, concepts, ideals, doctrines, society rules or any being into a box of any kind is not of my essence. It’s not that I don’t peg things onto my cork board but I have accepted the fact that everything is in a constant flux of changing and so am I. I have always hoped I instilled in my children the concept that anything they come across in life, people, history, ideals, rules, absolutely everything should be examined from their own hearts and an attempt should be made when the time is right to keep an open mind because in this process arises life’s greatest and most miraculous epiphanies.
So, as usual my writing is like the Beatles song, “The Long and Winding Road“. I have been reading some blogs on Traditional Witchcraft and it holds more meaning for me than most of the other variances of Witchcraft I have casually studied. It appears to me from my reading, Traditional Witchcraft derives from the ancient cultures of the forests all over the world. Their traditions and rituals were drawn from their folklore, superstitions, and available flora and fauna of the area in which these cunning folk honored natures resources, using what was available to help others in their communities. What could be more beautiful or make more sense? It sings to me that most that follow this craft mostly do their work and rituals either with positive intentions in mind or protection from the negative and there is no one way to do so. You use what is available in your immediate environment and what “feels” right. In most cases I feel that these ancient cunning folk were all very open minded individuals who were also quite open to the fact that everything is connected to the one tree of life and that is where our strength is drawn. Everything dwells within the realm of nature which is the dearest of all miracles in my heart, the only truth from which all things arise here in this time and place. There is so much to learn and be revealed in it’s infinite possibilities and I try my best not to be discouraged that so many of us have lost the way from our source. My dearest hope is that I can plant one small seed from which a mighty oak will grow. You will always hear me say nothing is perfect, that’s just a silly, because in accepting imperfection is where perfection lies.
I have been stuck with my writing for a long long time, since I was about ten years old and my mother came into my room and violently chastised and shamed me for holing up in my own space like I was a freak. My mother had a great pain in her. I speak to her now and tell her I love her so much and I’m sorry she went through life with such a great pain. I let her know I recognize it and I am sorry I did not have the tools at that time to help her through it. I’ve learned some things since I last left a note on my progress. I’ve been through some changes, but as before I basically still am who I am with a better understanding, self awareness. I will write that book eventually (don’t think I told you that bit) and the biggest part I haven’t decided is will it be fiction or not. Is it possible to write a book that isn’t labeled either? In my world it is possible.
New stories added to my book will be my experience with cancer in the middle of all the newest realizations, that is and was some eye opening and scary shit, talk about leaving your body kind of experiences. Going through group therapy for Women who have been sexually traumatized was most likely the most profound experience. I’ve always scoffed at and resisted group therapy and thought not me, but wow, so me. Why do we resist the most important things that help us move along. EMDR therapy was most likely the one that opened my eyes to who I am deep deep down, the experiences that shaped me and a new understanding of the flashbacks that have had a hand in who I am in this life. I remembered things I had buried so deep and blamed myself for all along the way. The new clarity I have gained has allowed me to live with much less blame on anyone especially me, we are all the characters of our circumstances and it is our work on our self awareness that brings about eventually our self actualization. Oh muses do not ever leave me I beseech you.
Last night I was reading and I came to a part in this book where the main character was asked to write down the many roles or labels he has in inadvertently lived and assigned to himself to live by. So I am thinking and allowing this thought to move through me this morning and as I did so I was surprised at what came out:
Actress on the stage of the world
dirt, the smell of the earth
No way can I write them all down. Whoa, that makes me tired and what the hell do I do with that, what does anyone do with that? I can’t come up with any other way to describe the labels that I have placed on myself. I don’t feel like I am writing down what I am supposed to think or what labels are supposed to be but I am going with it all the same. It has been a challenge every single day of my life to be of this world. I am extremely uncomfortable here. I am sure this is a big part of what I am here to learn.
**most of my writing is raw and unedited, just like me
The operations manuals are all done and I’ve converted them to pdf. Please blah blah blah blah (Charlie Browns teachers voice). Get started in the morning printing right away or it’s the end of the world and always remember for the greater good. We wouldn’t want to starve at our own banquet now would we?
I’ve always loved splashing, dancing, playing in the summer rain ever since I was a kid. Not when it storms mind you. When my son was young we would run outside with joy and play like maniacs. I am sure my neighbors think I am nuts, pshaw. I’ve always had this vision that everyone would come to their door, their faces would light up, and they would all run outside like children and play with me. Everyone spinning around with their faces towards the heavens. It hasn’t happened yet but someday it might. I always have hope<3 It’s raining, come play.
What is representing the illusion in our lives? I have been struggling for most of my life with this movie in my head, the neural circuitry of repetition embedded in my brain from all that I have watched and learned in the outside world. I have met with much resistance while learning to not get caught up in this movie, these neural processes, these thoughts racing round my brain. I am learning to not react, not engage, and to see it for what it is, a mental movie. Resistance can be a good teacher I am told. I am learning to observe, be the witness, change the direction of my energy, to be conscious. I am rewiring my neural pathways. Be conscious of your consciousness, be aware of your awareness, observe the observer.
This entry is more to mark a passage of time, like a journal online. Life is moving forward fast, I am immersing myself in meditation and becoming. I am concentrating on me right now, spending alot of time inside my own head, worshipping myself, it’s about time. I have no idea why it has taken me 25 years to get to this point but at least I am finally on my way and for that I am grateful. Several years ago I thought I had it all figured out, but now, I know we never get to the point we have it all figured out and that is a good thing. To learn, grow and overcome our fears is what keeps us alive and I feel more alive now than I did at 20. I also thought I had overcome most of my fears, my scars, but that is the farthest thing from the truth that I have ever buried away from from myself. I have to admit with all the false bravado, a very convincing show I might add, it is no wonder I fooled most everyone even myself. I thought I had experienced so much in my life that nothing would ever make me afraid again in this lifetime but I was wrong, very wrong. For the first time in my life I am confronting my fears, in fact I am chasing them down with the hounds of hell on my heels, I am feeling my fear, not pushing it down down down. I have so much more to learn, to do, to say, to give. Until later, Lily.