His hair was blonde

His eyes are brown

fairies danced upon his crown

Heart swells

Colors resonate

and

Sound begins to glow

in the end it is simple – she finds her strength through

Love

Someone saved my life tonight

I have been stuck with my writing for a long long time, since I was about ten years old and my mother came into my room and violently chastised and shamed me for holing up in my own space like I was a freak.  My mother had a great pain in her.  I speak to her now and tell her I love her so much and I’m sorry she went through life with such a great pain.  I let her know I recognize it and I am sorry I did not have the tools at that time to help her through it.  I’ve learned some things since I last left a note on my progress. I’ve been through some changes, but as before I basically still am who I am with a better understanding, self awareness. I will write that book eventually (don’t think I told you that bit) and the biggest part I haven’t decided is will it be fiction or not. Is it possible to write a book that isn’t labeled either? In my world it is possible.

New stories added to my book will be my experience with cancer in the middle of all the newest realizations, that is and was some eye opening and scary shit, talk about leaving your body kind of experiences. Going through group therapy for Women who have been sexually traumatized was most likely the most profound experience. I’ve always scoffed at and resisted group therapy and thought not me, but wow, so me. Why do we resist the most important things that help us move along. EMDR therapy was most likely the one that opened my eyes to who I am deep deep down, the experiences that shaped me and a new understanding of the flashbacks that have had a hand in who I am in this life. I remembered things I had buried so deep and blamed myself for all along the way. The new clarity I have gained has allowed me to live with much less blame on anyone especially me, we are all the characters of our circumstances and it is our work on our self awareness that brings about eventually our self actualization. Oh muses do not ever leave me I beseech you.

Last night I was reading and I came to a part in this book where the main character was asked to write down the many roles or labels he has in inadvertently lived and assigned to himself to live by. So I am thinking and allowing this thought to move through me this morning and as I did so I was surprised at what came out:

Dark/Light

Lilith

Mary

Michael

Actress on the stage of the world

being

caregiver

good girl

mother

obedience

angel

devil

seer

shaman

witch

lover

love

hate

tree

wolf

guardian

rebel

peacemaker

anger

hate

flower

forests

streams

mountain

person

god

hummingbird

animals

poet

writer

goddess

protector

warriors

sin

blessing

failure

mother earth

galaxies

dirt, the smell of the earth

No way can I write them all down.  Whoa, that makes me tired and what the hell do I do with that, what does anyone do with that? I can’t come up with any other way to describe the labels that I have placed on myself.  I don’t feel like I am writing down what I am supposed to think or what labels are supposed to be but I am going with it all the same. It has been a challenge every single day of my life to be of this world.  I am extremely uncomfortable here.  I am sure this is a big part of what I am here to learn.

**most of my writing is raw and unedited, just like me

American Pie

Green Panther

tosses cigarette butts

out the car window

at random

because I can

I dare you

judge me

Fuck you

don’t tell me what to do

look in the damn mirror

you said God

if i was a

good girl

i would be fine

Dear Lilith,

The operations manuals are all done and I’ve converted them to pdf.  Please blah blah blah blah (Charlie Browns teachers voice).  Get started in the morning printing right away or it’s the end of the world and always remember for the greater good.  We wouldn’t want to starve at our own banquet now would we?

Thank you,

The Condescending Shithead