Are my thoughts true…whose to say?

Most deny me of who I am, at least those I’ve encountered in my world. I am recreating and developing an understanding of who I am, of what I am capable, my strengths, my weaknesses. Mostly I feel see I’ve been invalidated, dismissed, ignored or even accused of being unstable unless I mimic as they think I should, do as they do by way of actions and behaviors that are deemed normal, acceptable in the general consensus point of view. I decided a long time ago to call it shenanigans, bullshit, but what to do, how to react or not react? Is it better to keep your true thoughts a secret or rise above and forge forward? Not single soul in your world to turn to in order to work it out and reason in your head in order to trust yourself, gain the identity that is uniquely you? As I grow up emotionally (I’m a late bloomer), I see, my feelings see, the sizing up that goes on all around them, placing each being in a box and labeling it. I too have the realization of course, that I do it. It’s the dismissal equation of anyone or thing is where the difference lies. I’m not comfortable in most instances to dismiss the differences between they and I, and I don’t understand that judgmental dismissal. I see it as one of my innate gifts, to question and seek deeply what lies beyond the surface, place myself in others shoes. Nothing causes my hackles to rise more than the statement, “well…that’s just the way it is”, I’ve had moments of deep irrational rage due to being exposed to this type thinking. It happens in work, in life with society, family, friends, acquaintances. Throughout this life there have been times I shudder and grieve this type of energy when pressed upon me. I have many times experienced the dismissal, being ignored then forgotten when I question. I wish sometimes that I could be one of those many that forget, I cannot and it makes me happy now. They hold my attention, my affection, even dare I say my love, perhaps, we’ll see. I feel something familiar there somewhere, a beautiful place, a deep place of peace and answer to a call of what I do not know. I don’t think it matters.

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